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BDSM Safety

By Billy Diaz & Jerome Stuart Nichols

Safety is one third of good BDSM practice. The rest is sane and conSensual. The desire to have consent from our partner(s) is what separates BDSM from abuse. BDSM safety can be broken down into four parts: safe words, limits, communication and not being an asshole; let’s start with safe words.

Safe words

Safe words are the be all and end all of kink play. Literally, safe words are the red light, meaning “cease and desist motherfucker. Do no pass go, do not spank your whore and you damn sure better not collect $200.”

Both dominant and submissive partners can have a safe word. When a safe word is agreed upon, commit it to memory like tomorrow’s winning lottery numbers. BDSM play is the ultimate form of sexual trust; 100 percent respect of the safe word is the ultimate way to show that you’re trustworthy.

Just about any word can be used as a safe word. The list and possibilities are endless. Also, if you usually say “no” in a non-definitive sense, you probably shouldn’t use it as a safe word; you don’t want any confusion.

Limits

When you’re having any type of sex, it’s important to let your partner know what you are and aren’t comfortable with. This is especially true when it comes to BDSM. You don’t want to spank too hard, fist too far or choke too long and end up in a David Caradine situation.

Limits are boundaries, respect them. These can be hard limits – ie "one more step and I’ll cut your little pecker off" – or soft limits, which can be adjusted or negotiated on-the-fly. Discussing limits – before play begins – is an excellent way to make the most of your fun and shows that you care about your partner(s).

If a new partner states, “I don’t know my limits,” do not take that as, “let’s try a bunch of stuff to see what you like/don’t like.” Instead, take it as, “let’s discuss some stuff, try that out and then reevaluate before taking the next step.”

If your partner doesn’t bring up a limit, that doesn’t make it okay to try it without prior discussion. This is learning and growing time, don’t go too far too fast.

Communication

Look, I know it seems simple because every relationship requires communication but – when it comes to BDSM and kink in general – it’s doubly important. In an everyday, casual relationship, bad communication can lead to hurt feelings. In a BDSM situation, bad communication could lead to someone being badly hurt or even killed, in some cases.

Always ask for consent before doing something new. Find out about their tolerance for pain. Find out about their preferences in toys and materials. Even a list of allergies and emergency contacts isn’t a bad idea.

No matter what you do, start slow with light intensity then work your way up. If you’re using a toy for the first time you should always be sure to avoid sensitive areas such as the spine and kidneys. Also, pro-tip: before trying out any rope bondage, g out and grab some EMT safety shears. They’re invaluable, trust me.

Also, don’t be an asshole.

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